I despise going to the grocery store. It's always freezing and I am bound to get that one cart that strategically stops working when I am as far away as possible from the front door.
Today was no exception to my dislike for food emporiums. I debated on going for the past six hours and although I was planning on using Peapod, I still needed dinner for that night. So I finally peeled myself off the couch, and journeyed to Jewel.
I realized that I must have forgotten that it was a Sunday night. Shit. This is the dreaded "lonely man" night at the grocery store. What do I mean by that? I mean that everytime I go here on a Sunday night, I am harassed by men with cheesy one-liners and nothing better to do than pretend grocery shop while they are really trying to find the domestic goddess they always dreamed about.
Unfortunately, today was not an exception to the rule. I rolled up and down the aisles in my dysfunctional cart (yes, it didn't work even after I test drove three of them in the entrance!) trying to avoid direct eye contact with anyone.
Of course this was an impossible task, as the grocery store was so busy, you literally had to practice defensive driving. My lame cart would go right when I wanted it to go left and sure enough nailed a few innocent passerbys.
As I rolled down the rice and pasta aisle, I looked up and there he was. Mr. I've been at the grocery store for the past three hours and only have one bag of chips and bottle of booze to show for it.
"Hey, hey, coming through! Didn't mean to get in your way!"
Nervous laugh - "That's OK! You're fine!"
Damnit, Lauren. I said too much. Lesson #1: Do not entertain the grocery store loner. Why am I so friendly??
"So what are you cooking tonight, dear?"
OK, why is this weirdo following me now! I'm screwed! Don't answer him, keep walking!
"Oh, I don't know, maybe seafood for my FIANCE and I."
That must be enough for him to get the point.
"Man, I wish I had someone to cook for me like that. Do you live around here?"
Seriously buddy...you've got to be kidding me. I just told you I was on the verge of getting married but you still think I am going to go home with you and whip up a tasty and delicious meal??? Paging dilusional man following me in Aisle 7!
My mom always warned me about being too nice. We always talk to strangers and seem to make best friends with everyone around us.
For example, my mom comes to visit Chicago and 45-minutes after her scheduled arrival, I come outside to find out that she has become best friends with the taxi driver who has three kids, all of which are going to medical school and is desperate to help them financially. Oh, and apparently he went to Harvard. By the end of the ride, my mom was ready to donate to the "Random Taxi Driver" fund, until I told her that his story sounded a bit bizarre and unrealistic seeing as how his chosen profession after graduating from Harvard was a taxi driver (nothing against cabbies).
So needless to say, we are both WAY too naive and nice for our own good. Meanwhile, I am dealing with a stage 900 clinger STILL following me. I realized that I had no other choice than to b-line for the checkout and cut my shopping trip early. I can't believe this guy forced me to leave!
When I got home, I had about half the ingredients for dinner and was exhausted from my nightmare shopping experience.
I decided to take a break from cooking and took Guido outside. It was a beautiful day and there were a million dogs out for Gui to annoy.
Gui has this, I think adorable, but could possibly be construed as annoying, habit of following dogs around.
Today he decided to latch onto an innocent yellow lab. First it started with the butt sniff, then a face lick and from there I was sent on a race to be sure he didn't follow the dog all way out of the park.
The dog looked backed annoyingly at Guido, as he was jumping in his face and inadvertently tripping him. It occurred to me that my precious Guido was definitely a stage five clinger. He always overstayed his welcome and definitely creeped other dogs out.
I initially felt bad for judging the grocery store loners because I am sure they, like Guido, don't know any better ways to try and pick up girlfriends. I decided that I was going to become Guido's dating/life coach - show him the ropes on how to attract members of the opposite sex without driving them insane.
And if I decide to ever venture to the forsaken Jewel again, maybe I will give the lonely men out there some helpful hints...they will start something like this, "Please do not sniff my butt and follow me around. From there, you are golden!"
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